Why You Should Ask for Help

There are some things that I am really good at. Napping, driving too fast, and making penne a la vodka to name a few. Actually, that may be an exhaustive list.

Do you want to know something I am not good at? Asking for help.

It’s actually painful for me to ask people to help me. I need to be desperate to reach out.

This week I am finishing up my book proposal. I sent it to a few agents, and they told me I needed names of people with followings that would promote the book. Publishers would require it.

I’m lucky to count some pretty influential people as friends, but asking them to help sell my book? Ugh. Please, anything but that.

But I did. I wrote an email to 32 of my friends explaining the situation. I put them all in BCC and created a mass email so that no one would feel singled out or pressured to respond. I tried to be as self-deprecating as possible with an extra dose of humility for good measure.

You know what happened? 29 people wrote back within 24 hours saying HELL YES. Not just, “sure Rachel, I guess I can do that”, but with messages of support that made me cry.

They wanted to help me. They wanted to support me. I just had to ask.

I doubt I’ll ever be the person who feels comfortable asking for help. However, this experience taught me that if there is something that I truly believe in (like my book) or something that I really need, friends will WANT to support me, and it’s ok to ask.

What do you need help with? Who is ready, willing, and able to support you? Don’t be afraid to ask.

Unlock Love – How to Overcome Insecurity

I was on Instagram recently, sharing an experience that made me a little nauseous to hit “post” – you can see my overshare here.

The thing is, I know I’m not perfect. I am fully aware that I have flaws, insecurities, and hangups. The difference between me now, and me 10 years ago though? Night and day.

The thing is we ALL have insecurities. We all have that negative internal dialogue that comes from a place of past pain, hurt or sadness. However, I am beyond thankful that I can turn down that voice and often times shut it off completely thanks to the tools I’ve learned.

Here’s what I did to get myself out of that dark space QUICKLY:

1. Acknowledge the thoughts – Woah, am I really thinking this right now? I am! Hmmm, I’m going to take note of this. If you see it, you can change it.

2. Recognize their roots – In my case, I know where this has evolved from. I know the past pains that created the dialogue in my head. Awareness can be healing in of itself.

3. Find a friend – I reached out to two of my girls to bring me back to earth. They put things in perspective and reminded me that I’m human. Find someone that will give you a loving reality check.

4. Release – Today was all about release writing. Letting go of the old story. I wrote for three pages about these feelings that are no longer serving me. Later, (when my daughter is in bed and not observing my pyro nature) I’m going to go outside and burn it. Write until you feel a release.

We are all learning, evolving, and growing. No one has it ALL figured out. And our relationships will often highlight the work that needs to be done. I’m embracing the lesson.

Sending you love and the strength to grow!

Make Better Choices.

My kids roll their eyes, but every time they leave me, I tell them “Make good choices! Be a good person!”. I’m 20% convinced that these little reminders will stick with them. Maybe my words will rest on their shoulders like a little angel and make a difference. Maybe they’ll ignore it completely and lead a life of crime. Only time will tell.

My attempt at proactive parenting had me thinking about choices.

We have so many choices that we make in our lives. I believe that most everything happens for a reason – to help us, to grow us, to place us on the path we are meant to be. Yet, sometimes we could probably make better choices – ones that prevent some of the heartbreak or frustration that doesn’t always have to be inevitable.

Here is my recipe for making better choices. It doesn’t guarantee a positive outcome, but it may help:

1. Ask Why – This is a big one, and is especially relevant when it involves who to love (though it can apply to many situations). Ask why. Why am I drawn to this person? Is it because of past experiences or wounds? Am I repeating a lesson? I have a client who is casually dating two guys – one is awesome and relationship ready. The other is brooding and a challenge. Who do you think she is drawn to? Bingo! The challenge. Working through this with her, we unearthed some pretty unhealthy patterns. As of now, she is choosing wisely. Ask why.

2. Get Quiet – Internally and externally. Get quiet, spend time in meditation or journaling. Not a meditator? Take a walk. Leave your phone behind. Let yourself think and feel for a minute without distraction. Externally, be cautious about how many people you invite into the decisionmaking process. If you ask 5 people for their opinions, you’ll likely end up with a confusing mix of advice. Stop letting all those cooks in the kitchen.

3. Envision – As a hypnotherapist, I work a lot with visions – using your imagination to help you make better decisions. Try it with the options at hand. Envision what it looks like to make each decision. Imagine yourself in that job, house, relationship, etc. Get specific. Imagine the details. Don’t leave out the negatives. How does it feel? What does your gut say?

Perfect decisionmaking is a fallacy. However, I do believe that we can make better choices when we are honest with ourselves, recognize patterns that harm us, and trust our intuition.

 

Yoga Retreat

Unlock Love – How to Handle Stress

Ugh. What a week!

I got sick. I broke my toe. My pup got sick. My pup got sicker. My pup needed emergency surgery. The world stopped.

In spite of a million swirling projects and piling workload. It just stopped. Mac came first. Thankfully he is going to be fine, he’s recovering well and hopefully will be home by his first birthday tomorrow (sans cake).

I was hanging out with him pre-surgery and I just started bawling. I was worried about him undergoing surgery, sad that he was so miserable, but it was so much more than that. It was stress about money (vet bills add up fast and I don’t have insurance), it was feeling awful myself, it was the million other work things that have to get done because I’m the only one that can actually do them.

It was a lot.

So I cried.

For about an hour.

And I am not a crier. I can hold it together for pretty much anything other than a This is Us episode.

You know what though? It worked. It released the anxiety that had built up and was spilling over.

So often we bottle everything in. We think we have to be stoic and strong. We think that giving in to our emotions is weak.

But that sadness/anger/frustration needs to be felt to move through it. If you don’t let it out, it remains a toxic vessel within your body. And I have seen what holding it in can do to someone physically. It’s dangerous.

Not a crier? Here are some other things you can do to release that trapped energy:

  • Write it out. Pen to paper (its far more effective than fingers to keys). Write out everything you’re feeling free form. Just let it pour onto the page. It doesn’t even need to make sense. Keep going until you feel like its time to stop.
  • Talk it out. Find a friend to vent to. If you don’t have friends that will listen, find a therapist or coach. Just talking through all of your stress and anxiety will make a huge impact.
  • Hug it out. Surround yourself with people who love you. I’m not going to lie, I wanted my mom. She’s in South Carolina at the moment, so I settled for phone calls. But man, I needed to hear it would all be ok from her.

Today? Today I feel great. Im moving forward. I feel positive. I can’t wait to hug my furbaby and get back to work.

Sending you so much love.

ps – Speaking of tools – my Unlock Love course is chock full of them. Check out more info on it below.

Unlock Love – How to Get Over Your Ex

We’ve all had a terrible breakup – or several. Those endings that feel like the end of the world. Where you can’t imagine ever NOT being in pain. Yet, anyone who has ever suffered a breakup knows that it does get better with time. So other than finding a time machine to speed that up, how can you feel better…sooner.

Here are the ways I urge my clients to move on after an ending:

Disconnect – No texts, no calls, no coffees to talk about what went wrong, no social media. Disconnect on ALL levels. A wound will never heal if you keep touching it. Having a hard time not texting them after a glass of wine? Find a sponsor. Have a friend that you can call or text when you are feeling weak. Do everything in your power to cut off contact. If you do nothing else, do this.

Release – Let go of any anger, sadness or frustration associated with the relationship or its ending. A simple tool I have many clients use is release writing. Just let it flow from your heart to the paper – “I release the pain I feel around xyz. I release my anger.” etc. And then burn it. Carefully, and preferably outside.

Rebound – This has not always been part of the prescription, especially as a relationship expert. BUT studies have shown that rebounds can be good for your confidence after a breakup. You don’t necessarily need to jump into a relationship, but getting back out there and dating can do wonders for your well being. Let your friend set you up. Go out and flirt! It’s all about shifting the sadness.

Three things. Three doable actions. And I promise you, it will get better.


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