Month: October 2013

Why You Shouldn’t Be Looking for a Piece to Your Puzzle

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Love can be elusive, but does it have to be? In an age of abundance, is it possible that you are overlooking those that could be your perfect match? 

The older we are, the more established we become in our habits, routines, locations, likes and dislikes. You have an amazing career, a place to call home that you love, and a very comfortable routine. Where do you plan on fitting someone into that? What happens when you meet someone that may not think your home is their perfect sanctuary? What if they prefer a different routine or lifestyle? You love steak, how could you everdate a vegetarian?!

 My challenge?

 Instead of looking for someone to fit into your present, find someone you can build a future with.

Regardless of age, many of us are guilty of having blinders on when looking for love. If they don’t “fit” into our current life, we move on. However, who are you leaving behind? There is an incredible benefit to embracing the openness that is often left behind in our 20’s. Your perfect match may not fit your mold. They may break it all together. However, that love could last a lifetime. 

So how do you redirect your focus and avoid the puzzle trap? Here are five ways to focus on the future, and prevent searching for that “missing” piece:

– Qualities are key. Focus on the qualities of the person, and create a connection based on mutual values and priorities. They may not share your love of skiing, but hold a high value of family. That value has the possibility of building a strong foundation for a lasting relationship. A hobby is transient.

– Be open to a change in scenery. Does it really matter where you live when you are in an amazing loving partnership? Sure, you can have a desire for a certain location, and compromise, but be open. Home is where the heart is.

– Reframe your thoughts. How many times do you hear a “buzzword” from a date, and all of a sudden your interest level drops? For example, you live to eat clean and your date professes his love of burgers and beer. So what? Does that change your compatibility on a deeper level? No. Have opposing views in politics? That doesn’t mean you can’t have a soulful relationship.

– Focus on the feelings. Anyone that works with me, knows I believe strongly in the energy of people. We all have a different “vibe” and someone that fits your “vibe” might not be exactly who you had in mind. Are you comfortable with them? Do you feel happier in their presence? 

– Give love a (second or third) chance.  If you have any connection with a date, go out with them again. In an age where a new potential date is just a click away, we are quick to discard. However, first dates are often anxiety filled and don’t give you a real picture of the person (not just their credentials). A second and third date let’s you see the real person underneath, not the first date jitters.

Love is worth it. Give it a chance.


Are you Looking for a Unicorn?

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Soulmates…destiny….fate… Is there one person out in the universe that was made especially for you? Do you have a list of 15 qualities that you know your soulmate will possess? Are you convinced that if you keep looking, you will know them when you see them? 

You see, these beliefs concern me as a dating coach and matchmaker. I was recently invited on Live from the Couch to discuss whether soulmates exist (video below), and the segment really got me thinking about how damaging believing in your one and only can be. I don’t want you to remain single and looking for a unicorn, when there are amazing potential mates all around you. That doesn’t mean I want you  to abandon all of your needs, or force yourself to fall in love with the next person with a heartbeat. It does mean, that I want you to get real. Here are some things to keep in mind when you are out there looking for your “one”:

1. Humans have a tremendous capacity for love – We have many (many!) “soul mates”. There are an infinite number of people on this earth that you can connect with, build a fantastic relationship with, and call your soul mate. Anyone who has had more than one “great love” or has become a parent to more than one child, knows that the one love isn’t any better or worse (or less soulful) than the other – they are just different.

2. The concept of “soulmate” is emotionally dangerous for singles. Those who believe that there is ONE person in the universe for them can lead a very lonely life. They will continue to disregard potential amazing partners in search of a unicorn. Once they realize unicorns (and their ideal “soulmate”) don’t exist, it is too late to salvage prior opportunities. Consider a young widow? Is she destined to be alone forever if she loses her soulmate?

4. Focus on the values. Date those that meet your core values, don’t focus on the butterflies. Butterflies are a physical reaction to often a physical appearance or chemistry. Chemistry does not equal soul mate. Those butterflies can wane, but if you meet and marry someone with the same core values as you, your love will last. 

5. Realize the power of your mind. If you believe that there is one person, and only one person that is meant to be your soulmate, no one else will ever match up. Those that are with amazing partners may not appreciate their relationship because of a fantasy that someone greater was out there, but they settled. Those thoughts could be subconsciously destroying an awesome relationship.

What do you think? Do you believe in soul mates? Are you committed to waiting for “the one”?


Make the Choices that Work for YOU

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I just spent a weekend immersed in training to make me a better coach, listener, and guide for the people I work with. It was an amazing experience, not just for my clients, but for ME. A lot of the training helps me work through areas of my life that need improvement and redirection. I made some amazing breakthroughs personally, and am so grateful for the opportunity to do so.

The one thing that kept coming back to me (and I think is so important for you to hear) is that YOUR answer to a situation may be very different from mine, your friend’s or your family’s answer. Regardless of what an expert advises you to do (including me!), listen to yourself. Make sure the decisions you make resonate with YOU. We have an amazing sense of intuition that guides our decisions. Honor that intuition. Listen to rational advice, but trust your own instincts to guide you. Here is a quick four step technique to tap into what you already know:

  1. Find a space where you will be uninterrupted. Turn off all distractions.
  2. Take a few minutes to center yourself. Close your eyes. Breathe in and out deeply. Focus on your breath and let your body relax.
  3. Imagine the situation you are seeking answers around, but picture it as if it has been solved. Feel the emotions, and embrace them.
  4. Open your eyes and reflect on what you envisioned and how you felt. Sit with it for a minute.

This technique can help to guide you in any situation – dating, a stressful issue at work, or a decision you have to make. Every amazing breakthrough is within us already. We just have to be centered and focused enough to unleash it.

Speaking of decisions, yesterday I appeared on HLN’s Weekend Express to chat about deciding to live together before marriage. It’s a topic that I of course have an opinion about, but I would love to know yours! Check out the video and join the discussion on my Facebook page.


www.racheldealto.com