Month: August 2013

Strategic Flirting – How to Flirt at Work

By Rachel DeAlto

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This weekend I appeared on Fox and Friends to discuss strategic flirtation, and whether you can flirt at work. The answer is YES! Not the way you think though, I’m not encouraging office romance (although it happens all the time without my help), I am talking about using flirtation techniques to succeed in business. Many of the strategies I teach my date coaching clients are the same I work with my corporate coaching clients on,  but with a different goal. Flirt skills are communication skills, just with a twist.

Here are some tips for connecting without crossing the line:

1. Make eye contact – Studies have shown that a lack of eye contact can lead to distrust in the corporate world. Just don’t bat your lashes, but hold steady eye contact while you are talking with someone. Anyone. Everyone. You will seem more honest, trustworthy, and most of all, attentive.

2. Make your point – Flirtation in a social setting can include playing coy, which has no place in a work setting. Have a point? Make it, preferably with support for said point. 

3. Use your body – No, not like that. Your body language accounts for 55% of ANY communication. Keep your shoulders squared off and set back, stand with equal weighted feet, and take a deep breath. You need to communicate confidence, and own your space. This is essential in all settings, both dating and corporate.

4. Stay classy – Especially for women, keeping it classy in terms of clothing is essential. Men are visual creatures. Low cut tops and short skirts combined with high heels are only worn by lawyers on TV. Want to be taken seriously, dress seriously. You can still be stylish! Dress for the setting, appropriately.

 
Remember that flirting seductively with a business purpose will work against you.  You may be perceived as a sexual object, not taken seriously, and will muddy the waters – is she looking to date me or do business with me?

Check out the clip below and let me know your thoughts!


Get Out of the Doghouse – The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Up

By Rachel DeAlto

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We’ve all been there. A slip of the tongue, a forgotten anniversary or birthday, or a miscommunication. The dog house isn’t a spot you want to spend a lot of time. So what do you do to get out of that sticky situation? I recently appeared on The TODAY Show to discuss just that. Want a cheat sheet? Here you go:

1. Don’t Make Up Just to Move On: Don’t pretend to be apologetic for the sake of moving on, or pretend that nothing happened altogether. The issues that lead to your fight will resurface repeatedly if they are not addressed. Giving your partner a false sense that you understand what the problem is when you don’t will make the next stay in the dog house even longer. Sincerity is key in the makeup, so if you don’t feel it, don’t say it. 

2. Do Admit To Being Wrong: Acknowledge the “wrong”. Even if you don’t believe that it was a wrong that deserved the dog house, acknowledge that your partner believed it was. Validation is incredibly powerful when it comes to moving forward from a situation where someone was hurt. Let them know that you know what you did was wrong, and you understand why they felt _______. (fill in the blank – hurt, angry, frustrated, etc).  

3. Don’t Apologize – Or Fight – in Public: Apologies aren’t a public matter, but a private one. Gestures of flowers to their work, or worse, showing up at their office to talk things out is a terrible idea – both open the door for nosey office mates to opine on your issues, and once you let people in, it is hard to kick them out. Likewise, discussing any issue that landed you in the dog house in any public setting is a bad idea. Give your partner the freedom to discuss the matter openly, in private. The last thing you need is shouting or crying at your favorite restaurant.

4. Do Perform Random Acts of Kindness: Give from the heart. This is not to say run to Tiffany’s and pick up some diamonds (unless it comes with #1 and #3!), but give in a way that shows you love them, and are truly upset that the fight occurred.  Personalize a heartfelt message, perform random acts of kindness around the house: walk the dog, take out the trash, empty the dishwasher, etc. This does not replace communication, but it demonstrates your desire to make them happy and move forward, together.

5. Don’t Turn Your Back on Your Partner: They might be giving you the silent treatment, but you need to be ready to listen when they are ready – even if the silence irked you. Communication is the key to getting back in the house, and your ears and heart should be ready to actively listen, validate, and move forward. So when they are ready to talk, you welcome the conversation with open arms (and talk about how you don’t enjoy the silent treatment after a resolution).

6. Do Put Effort Into Your Relationship: The biggest damage in a relationship comes from complacency. Understand that getting out of the proverbial doghouse isn’t easy, so be prepared to work a little harder to regain trust and let emotions settle. Be willing to listen, make necessary changes, and prevent a replay of the same problems. Do an activity that they love, spend a night connecting without electronics, and show a willingness to work towards a combined future.

You can watch the segment below – almost illegal to have this much fun.
  


Ladies, Are You Sabotaging Your Own Paycheck? Don’t Just Lean In, Stand Up, and Ask for What You Deserve

By Rachel DeAlto

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Women still earn on average about 78 cents to a man’s dollar, and research shows men are four times more likely than women to ask for a salary raise or a promotion. That is millions left on the table over a career’s lifetime. As a corporate coach and communications expert I have worked with countless professional women to help them become more successful in their careers, both through self fulfillment and improved financials.  

Here are some of my tips for taking it up a notch at work:

1.   Set a goal, and do not rationalize it. Do your research to determine what others in your position with your success are making. Create a reasonable goal (ie. 5-20% depending on your level and value to your company’s bottom line). Most importantly, do not rationalize that you need the money for XYZ expenses. You deserve the money because you bring a tangible value to the position. This is not personal, this is business. 

2.   Ask open ended questions. The secret to selling without selling? Ask open ended questions and let them sell themselves. Questions like, “What goals do you have for my position in the next 6 months?”, “What would the next level be for me?”, “What do you believe was my greatest contribution this past year?”. These questions allow a supervisor to subconsciously understand that you are looking to move up in the corporation, and get paid more.  (“Why aren’t you paying me what I deserve?” is a don’t)

3.   Don’t be aggressive, be assertive. Aggression, especially as a woman, has been proven to be ineffective in workplace negotiations. Whether it is blamed on society or biology, aggressiveness is a surefire way to shut down communication between you and your superior. However, be assertive. Begin the conversation with a sense of purpose, your shoulders back, and after a deep breath. Own your space, own your position, but be respectful. Many negotiations are unsuccessful because aggression can cause a fight or flight response in the other party. A successful, collaborative decision cannot be made when someone is in survival mode.

You got this. You just need to believe you are worth it, and ASK for it.


Who Pays? What a New Study Says About Splitting the Check!

By Rachel DeAlto

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Not sure if you saw the new study about dating expenses! “Who pays?!?” is a question I get all the time as a dating and relationship expert. The guys I work with don’t want to come off as cheap, and the women are unsure what to expect.

So what does the study say? According to a survey of 17,000 men and women:

  • 84% of men and 58% of women stated that the guy is paying for most dating expenses, even after dating a while
  • 57% of women offer to pay, but 39% hoped the men would reject the offer
  • 44% of women are bothered when men expect them to pay
  • 2/3 of the men believe that women should help out with dating expenses

After working with hundreds of singles, and conducting several “man panels” throughout the nation – here are my tips on the great debate:

– The guy should pay for the first 3 dates without question. Chivalry is not dead, and in fact it is still expected. Avoid starting off on the wrong foot, and pay up guys. Worried about expenses? Don’t pick a five star restaurant. All that matters is seeing if there is a connection. I receive complaints from men where the woman insisted on splitting. Let them court you for the first couple dates. Its in their nature.

– The woman should ALWAYS offer to pay. Even if it is just a half hearted attempt on a first date, reach for your wallet ladies. Show him you aren’t a prima donna looking for a free meal.

– Dating expense after the 3rd date should be split based on income. If he is a multi-millionaire, and you are a student, he pays (still do a wallet reach ladies). If you are both professionals with similar incomes, there is no reason to not split expenses. You don’t need to bring a calculator – he can buy one night, you buy the next, but try to make an effort to contribute.

– Always be gracious. No one is required to woo you! Be thankful, and gracious if someone picks up your tab. The biggest complaint I receive from men isn’t that they minded paying, it’s that she didn’t appreciate it.

It may be 2013, and women may be making good money and great strides, however, the fundamentals of courtship still exist. Let the guy court in the beginning, be grateful for his generosity, and then offer to split.


www.racheldealto.com